The Return of Betty Snickerdoodle Read online

  “Nah, Angie, you’re forgetting something important. We’ve got a real Betty book almost ready to go – so let’s hustle and get it out before fans even have a chance to get upset. No one will have to be disappointed for too long. Surely the fans can take a little joke. Doesn’t everyone blow off steam once in a while? Plus, don’t you think they’re going to focus on hating that crook Cash?”

  Angela wasn’t convinced at all. She’d seen social media firestorms rage out of control over much less. Discovering that dear, sweet Betty Snickerdoodle had a severely twisted dark side could easily break the delicate spell that bonded an author and her fans. The fact that Betty’s evil twin manuscript was only revealed because a fiend stole it wouldn’t insulate Betty from fans’ reactions to it. Angela knew that just getting a new book out to fans fast was unlikely to avoid damage. But it was one thing that she and Bea could control, and it would certainly help – particularly if she could make it part of a bigger plan.

  “Bea, I think you’re right that the new book will help keep the fans happy. I’m going back to the City to get the e-book version formatted as fast as I can,” Angela said. She didn’t let on that she was already thinking about what else she was going to have to do to stave off disaster.

  Settling into her car to head back to San Francisco, she sent off a quick text to Aseem. Even if he couldn’t prevent the bomb from dropping, he might be able to slow it down. “Please call as soon as you can. V urgent.” She was so annoyed with him, and felt so betrayed, she hardly wanted to talk with him – but he was her best hope, probably her only hope, of preventing the catastrophe she felt was just around the corner.

  Her phone rang almost immediately. “Yo, Angel! What’s up? What do you need?” Cheerful and charming as ever.

  Angela sighed. Where to begin? “Well, remember how you promised to help me format Bea’s new book? It’s gotta happen right away – tonight. I’m on my way home – can you meet me at my place?”

  “You know I’ve got that other book project, though, Angel. I’m not sure I can break away – we’re about to launch our book, too.”

  “Yeah, about that. Let me guess, your boss is a guy named Cash? And you just had a woman named Maria do an author video for you?”

  “How did you know that?”

  “That’s not as important. Here’s what’s important: You have to stop Cash from releasing that first chapter. It will be disaster for all of us.”

  She then proceeded – after swearing Aseem to secrecy – to tell him all about how her client Bea is actually Betty Snickerdoodle, how her fans have adored her books for more than two decades, how the manuscript Cash plans to publish was stolen – and how mistaken he is about what will happen if he releases it.

  “Angel, I’m so sorry,” Aseem said. “I had no idea, I swear. And I’d love to stop the train, but I can’t. I’ll come right over and help you with Bea’s book, but I can’t do anything about what Cash is publishing.”

  “Can’t – or won’t?” Angela grumbled. “No offense, it’s just that I’ve heard Cash can be quite threatening.”

  “Can’t. No one can. Believe me, Angel, I’d stand up to him if I could. But Cash delivered a review copy of the manuscript to a bunch of internet sites and publications, and I don’t even know who they all are. All I know is they’re all scheduled to post reviews first thing in the morning. Cash told me I had to be at the ready to goose the social media and grab more registrations. He had me open up our commerce page for pre-orders, too.”

  Oh no, thought Angela. She didn’t dare imagine how professional book reviewers would respond to the book that Bea described. More problems!

  “I’ll appreciate your help with the formatting of Bea’s book, at least,” Angela said. “I’ve got to get Bea’s new book ready as soon as possible.”

  “I’ll be there, Angel,” said Aseem. “I promise. I’ll do anything to help you fix this mess.”

  “It’s all about the damage control now,” Angela said, clicking off.

  Angela had never been so grateful for Bea’s amazing talents as when they were pulling together the new Betty book. If the audience gave it a chance, she was sure they’d love this new installment of Treacle Town. She thought it might even be Bea’s best book yet. But if the audience heard about Cash’s book first — would she be able to get them to give it a chance? Angela needed to come up with some SWAT-level PR, and fast.

  “Mom? I’m going to need your help – are you in?”

  “Of course, mija. Whatever you need.”

  “I love you, Mom. Thank you. We’re going to need to do another video – stay up as late as you can, okay? I’ll write you a new script. But first I have to get the real new Betty e-book files prepped and ready to go.”

  “Standing by, my love.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I feel thirty years younger, Bea thought, practically leaping out of bed. Cash is going to get his. Today’s the day. She cackled to herself with sheer delight.

  It feels like a perfectly laid poker trap – except a million times better! That rat-bastard tried to overpower me. He tried to outsmart me. And now he thinks he’s going to steal from me. Too bad he has no idea he’s heading for his biggest fail yet. Cash keeps throwing bet after bet into the pot, not realizing it’s exactly what I want him to do. Fool.

  I just cannot wait, Bea smiled to herself, to see Cash go down, down, DOWN. As soon as that silly manuscript he stole comes out, that naughty, overgrown child is going to get the spanking of a lifetime. Everyone will know that he’s just a liar and a thief. And such a boob. If he’d bothered to read even one Betty Snickerdoodle book, he’d have known what he stole was not his ticket to riches. Hell, if he’d even read a few pages of one, it would have been obvious. Now it sucks to be you, lazy-ass Cash!

  Bea put on her robe and hummed as she practically glided to the kitchen for a can of coffee. She cracked one open and took a satisfying swig. A day like today called for a special morning dance to match her victorious mood.

  “Rebecca,” Bea said, “Play 'I Feel Lucky.’”

  Bea chucked her robe on the sofa and began to dance around in her nightie in her jerky, energetic style, exuberantly squawking out the lyrics. “Think I’ll flip a coin I’m a winner either way. M-m-m I feel lucky today.” She discovered her cane made an excellent air guitar as she mimicked the song’s twangy hooks. As the song ended, Bea plopped down on the sofa with a big smile on her face. What a marvelous way to start the day.

  Energized, Bea finished her coffee and thought about what to do next. No writing to do – an odd sensation after so many days of furious typing. The new Betty book was done, and they’d be publishing it soon.

  In the old days, she would have submitted her manuscript to a publisher, then waited months for the wheels of editorial, production, and marketing to turn. Now she and Angie were going to publish their new book almost as soon as they finished writing it. It was a strange and exciting feeling. She was starting to understand why Angie loved technology so much. Angela could reach right out to readers, too, to let them know the book was ready. Amazing.

  Angela would be over later, so they could plan out their launch day. Bea wondered what to do in the meantime – a little The Price Is Right, perhaps? No, she decided, she wasn’t in the mood for that. She got dressed and began to tidy the office – creating new piles out of the pages she and Angela had edited, stacking them somewhat neatly on the floor The tidying operation had taken about ten minutes – and the results corresponded. “There, that’s better! I’m really becoming quite a neatnik,” Bea grinned. “But now what?”

  Angela had shown her how to log on and view the social media presentation she and Maria were planning for this morning. Bea rarely watched any of Maria’s Betty gigs – and she’d never visited Betty’s social platforms. But today she would, for moral support. Angela had been so nervous about what would happen at today’s presentation – especially once Cash published his stolen manuscript. She’d tried to hide her ne
rves, but after all the years of working together, Bea could tell. Bea couldn’t understand why Angie was so worried. After all, surely readers would see right through Cash’s foolish attempt to profit from his thievery. The upside-down Treacle Town story that Cash was about to launch was silly and salty and mean – but it was never meant to be a Betty book. Anyone who knew Betty would understand that.

  The truth would be obvious. Cash would get what was coming to him. And the fans would get a new Betty book — a good one, too. It was going to be a great day! Angie just needed to get through today’s presentation, and get the new Betty book out to readers, and she’d see that a celebration would be in order.

  Bea turned on the computer and clicked on the desktop icon, just like Angela had shown her. The stream popped up and a video window opened: “Stay tuned for our live presentation in 4:57.” Perfect, Bea thought: Just enough time to warm up a slice of leftover pizza to eat while I watch.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  After a night of tossing and turning and little sleep, Angela splashed water on her face. She was trying to take the edge off her mood. It was a poor substitute for what she really wanted to do: shove her head under her pillow for the rest of the day … or the rest of the month. Despite Bea’s unshakable optimism, Angela was sure she was about to face a big ole dumpster fire once she got online. Bea was not cursed with knowledge of how social media freak-outs worked, but Angela was aware enough for both of them.

  She fired up her laptop and braced herself. Right now, her only hope for dealing with the firestorm was the video presentation she and Maria planned – but she couldn’t build a crowd for that without posting about it. She had to go visit Betty’s social media pages. The reviews of the chapter Cash had distributed would be coming out, and, undoubtedly, Betty’s social sites were already ablaze. She couldn’t ignore it, though – that would only allow the fire to spread more quickly.

  It was dawning on her how much of a longshot the video idea was, but she had to press on – and she had to do it now. Any chance that strategy would work meant getting out in front of the controversy.

  She expected the reactions to range from rage to fury. She envisioned fans pelting Betty’s pages with angry comments before unfollowing them. She took a deep breath and opened the bookmark for Betty’s Facebook page, squinting reflexively, as if she could protect her eyesight from an internet conflagration.

  The first salvo was a link to USA Today’s review, which had been posted less than an hour before, but had already been shared and liked hundreds of times:

  “The Ultimate Bet-trayal: Loyal fans should avoid the ‘shocking,’ ‘insulting,’ ‘inexplicably vulgar’ surprise release from beloved Betty Snickerdoodle.

  by Annabelle Crane, senior reviewer

  ☆☆☆☆ (ZERO STARS)

  To say that fans (like me) have been captivated by the rumors of a new confection from sweeter-than-sweet author Betty Snickerdoodle is an understatement. The buzz has driven us loyal Treacle Town readers to a near-frenzy. With the holidays approaching, the timing seemed almost magical for one of America’s most treasured storytellers to return with a new tale – especially since we all assumed the series ended years ago.

  That heady state of adoring anticipation makes the shocking manuscript that I was delivered today all the more infuriating. I almost don’t know where to begin with this review.

  This new title – appropriately dubbed Sleigh Ride to Hell – is inexplicably vulgar and dark. It makes Lord of the Flies look like a daily affirmation.

  The story takes place in Treacle Town; that much it shares with Miss Snickerdoodle’s 20 treasured bestsellers. The novel is also populated by some of her most adored characters from the series. But that’s where the similarities end.

  [SPOILER ALERT] Yes, if you read on, I am going to give you heavy-duty spoilers – if only to scare you away from this unbearably dispiriting reading experience. I swear on my complete collection of hardcover Treacle Town Tales that you will thank me for it.

  Remember Nick and Rebecca, the adorable veterinarian and librarian? Of course you do: Who could forget those captivating storybook soul-mates from the very first Snickerdoodle book? It was the story that got us all hooked. Well, if you were looking forward to an update on their charming relationship in Sleigh Ride, the first shock is that they’ve split up. But that sad fact is not even the half of it. Rebecca discovered that Nick was cheating on her – with half the men of Treacle Town. She walks in on Nick leading a threesome. In her bed. On Christmas Eve. Not crying yet? Soon after, she learns Nick has given her a sexually transmitted disease.

  Merry Christmas, Rebecca!

  And how about the mayor – the lovably rotund gray-beard described in the other books as “a snowman brought to life”? Naturally, he gets in on the depravity. He’s now known as “Fatty J,” since he’s turned the town’s Christmas tree patch into a thriving pot farm – and a hamlet that had never known a single theft has become a magnet for crime. Unfortunately for the good people of Treacle Town, the mayor has also tacked on a lucrative side hustle accepting bribes from criminals.

  Merry Christmas, Treacletonians!

  Oh, and then there’s Luke and Clara – remember those adorably competitive cookie bakers? They’ve still got their bakery, but they’ve switched it to an adults-only format (because they’re “tired of Christmas”). They’re now famous for hairy, penis-shaped cookies and XXX-rated cakes – and they sell “enhanced” versions on the sly that are laced with the mayor’s weed, to boot!

  In one delightful vignette (sarcasm), the kids at Treacle Town Primary School were accidentally served cannabis-packed penis cookies instead of Christmas sugar cookies – and several were poisoned before the stoned teacher caught the mistake. With no doctor in Treacle Town, the children received medical care from Nick in his vet clinic – who snidely gripes about his patients right in front of them. (“I guess it’s fair to call them animals. I only wish I could put them in cages.”)

  Merry Christmas, little ones!

  I could go on – but is there any need?

  There’s no question I cannot recommend this insulting, perverse pile of dung to any loyal (former) fan of Miss Snickerdoodle. The only question in my mind, really, is why? Was the dream of a sweet town, where kind people keep Christmas alive forever, only our dream? Did the sweet-seeming author, the one who so artfully invented the gentle place that captured our imagination, not even believe in it herself?

  I don’t expect to ever get an answer. Perhaps we should conclude Miss Snickerdoodle believes naïve fools like me don’t even deserve one. But that’s okay, because I’ve got some ideas about what Betty Snickerdoodle deserves, too: no sales of this book. She’s gotten more than enough money from loyal readers – devoted fans like me who now know she takes us for fools.

  If you agree with me, here’s an idea: Thanks to social media, we can do something to make it just a little bit harder for Miss Snickerdoodle to take advantage of us. Follow me on Twitter at @annabelleUSAT and share the hashtag #BOYCOTTBETTY if you want to join the cause.

  Angela winced – it was even worse than she expected.

  Annabelle Crane had been reviewing Betty’s books lovingly for 20 years; she’d even loved Betty back in the early days, before Angela started helping Bea, when Bea was happy to sell a few thousand copies of her books. But just as Annabelle Crane had helped build Betty into a phenomenon, Angela thought, she might have the power and the platform to tear her down, too.

  As Angela scanned social media, links to savage review after savage review were popping up, machine-gun style. Worst of all, Annabelle Crane’s #BOYCOTTBETTY hashtag was now trending number one on Twitter, and it was speeding to the top of other sites, too. Angela could only hope Cash’s fake sites were at least getting their share of the abuse – not that it would help her and Bea much if they did.

  Angela tried to avoid reading too many comments as she posted her announcements about the upcoming live video, then leaned back i
n her chair to observe the reaction. Predictably, tirades appeared in rapid fire. Angry buttons, sad buttons, crying emojis. People posted pictures of themselves throwing their Betty books into their fireplaces and outdoor grills and igniting them!

  Rubbing her temples, Angela tried to absorb it all. It was almost too much to believe. Could Annabelle’s review be an accurate description of Bea’s “opposite world” Treacle Town? Angela knew that Bea wasn’t Betty – far from it. Bea had a darker side, for sure. But holy crap! This thing is lump-of-coal black. Despite what Bea had said, Angela wasn’t finding Bea’s taboo-busting torture of her own characters very funny. It was all-but-impossible to believe the same woman who wrote the sweet, uplifting series could have written something so offensive.

  Hmmm, Angela thought. Maybe that’s the way out of all this. If I can’t believe the same author that wrote 20 sweet tales of Treacle Town came up with this nasty re-imagining, won’t the readers have their doubts, too? There was an upside to all the furious commenting, too: at least they’re still engaged. Her worst fear had been that they’d abruptly unfollow en masse and never return.

  Maybe we still have a chance, Angela thought. Mom, as Betty, has to tell the truth – at least her truth, anyway: Cash tricked her; the manuscript he released is not the next Treacle Town book; and she has no idea where the hateful book Cash released came from.